Blesssing is 23, been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months, but her boyfriend refuses to have sex with her. Read her letter below, as well as the advice she got.
Dear Bunmi, I’m 23 and have had a boyfriend for nine months. But he refuses for us to have sex. I don’t know if it is me that’s the problem or if he has someone else.
His ex rings him all of the time, but he never tells me what they talk about. He refuses to let me touch him sexually, although its OK for him to touch me. What do you think is going on?
Blessing, by e-mail.
Dear Blessing Unless he’s impotent or has a horrible disease, if a man refuses to have sex with his new girlfriend, it’s because he’s afraid of risking commitment to her. This in no way reflects how desirable you are to him. He might like you as a girlfriend but it looks as if he’s afraid of repeating past hurt and hurting you. He’s still emotionally entangled with his last girlfriend and this prevents him from allowing him to love you. But what is this unfinished business with his ex that he keeps private? Does she want him back, or is he running after her? Do they still have sex? Love-making is enriching only when openness and trust are in place. You seem to have established none of these. You need to press your reluctant, no-sex-please boyfriend for answers. Nine months without love-making is unromantic at the very least!
What's wrong with the advice given to Blessing? I think everything is wrong.
People have different value systems, for some, purity and chastity remains their watchword despite the societal decadence. A "No" to sexual pressure for some is fueled by their belief systems, control and not because they are sexually incapable.
The absence of sex in a relationship can infact promote a stronger and healthier basis for your relationship. You both get to discover and learn more about your life and plans for the future.
Due to the emotions and level of intimacy sexual relationship brings, you may get offended, feel insecured if he thinks he needs to move on, or you need to move on with someone else who might be a better fit for your future. And that's why partners feel used and find it hard of how to move on when they get dumped.
There are also complexities of unwanted pregnancy, STDs and stigma that could result from pre-marital sex.
Blessing, or other girls in similar circumstances, you should redirect your energy towards profitable causes that will get you grounded in the future like reading books, starting a side business, finding a job to earn extra income, continue educating yourself, and building quality friendships.
I hope girls like Blessing get the right advice.
#relationship #sex #premaritalsex #dating