by on Aug 5, 2020 - 4 min read
In category

"Its familiar, this feeling. But not too familiar. There is a newness of some sort of sorrow building up. I can feel it, in the midpoint, the point that is between the nostrils and the path that meets the mouth to the throat. That which pulls when you have a blocked nose, the one that pushes out when you blow your nose. I feel a sort of pressure there. It is building up to my head, like some sort of forced vacuum that needs release. It’s trying to express itself through the swollen knots forming at the rim of my eyes. I can’t let myself burst into a pool of sadness. So I try to sigh back the tears, but all they do is peep out and flow.

Here we are. Where I don’t want to be again. The familiar place. Only this time I’m indifferent. This is a cause. Of back and forth movement which has caused a misunderstanding between my soul and intuition. I am divided. And there is already woe unto those who are of differences, imagine that within yourself.

“What about me? What about what I want? What I need? Who cares about me…”

Do I just go on to let everyone get there’s? Their love, peace of mind, revenge, success, wants, needs, expectations? While waiting on the next person to support, up-lift, ask favor for, pray on behalf of, and when all is in place, let go in to the world for others to enjoy?

This is sincere, it’s not mean or un-thoughtful. I just wonder when someone will out right put me first, just me. Not what they want from me, expect or are assured of, just mine…

I need goodness too, sacrifices done for me, support, un-refuted zeal to ensure my well-being, LOVE, just love like I give others. Is it too much to ask for? Because until this point I haven’t asked, expected while expecting intent or any of that.

And now I’m at the dock again, bracing myself to let go into the world another part of me that I gave out so willingly, for another’s soul to find happiness…

I’m happy if they get everything they deserve cause they do deserve, but I’m back to the chair as I wait to be the help of yet another soul, as I am almost sure the one whose on their way, will go as the others have, and won’t look back to think that I need what they are going out to seek too."

Its been a while since i wrote the latter expression of feeling. I now realize that there is an area in the shade of grey where all is in an inbetween because of our lack of consciousness. Misunderstanding ourselves enough to put people in the line of troubled torture, of the repercussions we share in relation to everything that is available to offer another in comparison to self. What you are brave enough, and for most oblivious, to change about yourself for you first, before you commit to willingness for absoluteness in form. Form of vulnerability, because at the point of truth all vain misjudgments of our soul's intentions are laid to rest forever because we are firm in us, self, our inner truth without need of reference to the models of upkeep created for us to remain in. They are frames of toxicity we all so freely carry around like a prize to pit against each, who applies by default to uphold.

The everything you so willingly seek is in the projection of your insecurities. Those hold the key to unpack you, some sort of definition that embodies worth. Self worth. And to unravel with truth and the freedom it promises as a result of facing our greatest fear, fear of failing ourselves by looking to do better than others, so as to shift focus of whats truly important. That you are truly the consequences of the choices you fail to make.

I understand, more than I have allowed myself to, before. That all we seek is unfamiliar. Because our willingness to fully understand what we are willing to give ourselves then others, before our expectations of others and what we selfishly expect them to offer, is unaligned.


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